“Even what may seem at first sight to be an intensely negative situation--a difficult relationship, financial woes or poor health--can serve as an opportunity for the creation of positive value. A lifelong commitment to justice, for example, may arise from an early experience of having been wronged.”
Ten years ago I had been dating Ryan for a month when he texted me to let me know he just didn't feel that way about me, and wanted to end things. Because he and I had been friends for awhile before, and because he was my first boyfriend, that took me awhile to get over. Even though we are great friends now again, we didn't talk for years after that.
Fast forward ten years later, to this morning. I wake up to a text from the current guy I've been dating. His name? Ryan. His text? Let’s break-up.
The absurdity theme has been relevant in my life for some time, so I am coming to accept the “hilarious yet awful” motif that is constantly being sprinkled across my environment like little white flakes cascading down a shaken snowglobe.
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As a matriculating undergraduate student fearing an impending future of joblessness and other terrifying realities of being a twenty-something in this really weird, globalized, wired age, I sought out council. It’s terrifying to be young and you should take all the help you can get, I think. So when I went for guidance on what steps to take to lead me out of this torrid path and into a more refreshing course of action, I was bequeathed with some of the best but most difficult advice I've ever received:
“You have to reinvent yourself.”
“You have to reinvent yourself.”
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It took awhile for me to understand that. That was three years ago and I’m just starting to get it. But the universe, it has a way of delivering the experiences you need- not want, but need- to go through in order to reinvent yourself, but you have to be willing to truly and authentically live through the pain if you want the lesson. I often find myself stuck in a cycle of avoiding pain and conflict at all costs, psychologically disenfranchising myself from real life as a consequence.
Grad school is not something you can afford to avoid, or not be fully engaged with. Yesterday, I was faced with a choice after a grueling first few weeks in my program. On some real shit, I am slightly more intuitive than I give myself credit for, because I totally knew, like KNEW, that things weren't working with this guy and that things were going to end today. Today, specifically. My friend says you always know when that is coming though, and maybe she is right. Truthfully, if I had really listened to my intuition, I would have ended things earlier when I got that weird feeling in my stomach one morning like ‘this isn't right for me’ but I'm really still navigating the dating world so I didn't fully trust myself. Either way, I was fried, running around school for the undergrad class I assist with, writing my third paper of the week, knowing I was about to get dumped. At a certain point, I decided I couldn't handle it and told a fellow student in my cohort I couldn't make it to class. All I wanted to do was go home and throw my head under the covers and totally shut off. (“I need to recharge” I tell myself but in reality it is one of those avoidance strategies.) And my cohort said: “I think you need to do something different. When you isolate yourself, you don't feel better; you just feel disconnected. I think you can push through it.” He also reminded me to look for all the love that currently existed from the people surrounding me. It resonated with me and I knew in that moment I had this choice to make, and that I could keep feeling sorry for myself, or I could decide to radically accept what was happening and support that through a practice of gratitude. It was one of those days where everything goes wrong, and when you think you finally have survived it there’s another obstacle in your path. I finally was able to collapse in my bed around 12:30 AM. I honestly couldn't believe I had survived the day without folding. That's the dopest feeling, getting through what you think you can't. So much shit happened yesterday to bring up all these things about myself that I struggle with, I feel really strong that I can get through a lot more than I thought I could. And I think that's how you reinvent yourself.
So this morning, it was almost like, a reaffirmation of the value I am creating for myself in my life, to get dumped. I know that probably sounds loony but I think if you feel more free without someone, that is a huge sign they were not right for you, except to provide you with an experience that you can choose to utilize to grow authentically and uniquely or be upset over something that didn't really mean much to begin with. Also, as someone who cries like once a day, I oddly haven't. A lot of red flags in hindsight on this one. It's the ego side of me that is bruised, but I have to respect and nourish that side too, because it exists.
My heart is full now as I listen to this playlist I just made, comprised exclusively of Divas. In the research I've started looking into, I came across a study on the “diva” theme, and one of the qualifying characteristics of the Diva is that she has a fallout with the public eye and then makes a comeback. I say this not because I think I'm a diva (I am) but because it emphasizes the idea that only through our pain can we find meaning and joy. Much like the phoenix, the diva has to fall in order to rise. In this we see the essentiality of pain and the hope for transcendence.
Postscript: Do you think the blog scared him away?
"In an age such as this one cannot help but thirst for the way. You may hate this world, but you cannot escape it."
“Teacher, there are things that I don't want to learn.”
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