As gentle, soft spring showers subside into the blistering heat of summer, our ascent towards glistening red suns begins. We rise up, heat energy embracing us like a mother reunited with a child long lost, slowly allowing our proverbial outer layer to burn and shed off in the glowing gold light. We are raw and exposed in these moments, free falling before we grow new wings.
This can leave one feeling euphorically defenseless. In an embryonically liberating way we are
guided by a passion that forsakes empirical knowledge in favor of anything new
and different. Yearning for change we tumble along weeded paths because we
understand nothing can stay, everything must change, even our very core.
It is no coincidence then, as the air bakes crisply in the
sun like a hot apple pie resting on a windowsill that many of us find our lives
transitioning into unexplored territories. We are ghosts desperately searching for
corporal form, not yet having found a comfortable fit as we are subjected to
moves and job changes, relationship beginnings and endings, babies born and
loved ones dying, and myriad life fluctuations that permanently alter who we
are.
I, myself, am experiencing so many changes: leaving my apartment,
going back to school, starting a new job, ending my two-year therapy program, and
beginning to facilitate activist organizing here locally in Atlanta- and that’s
just to name a few.
Not only I but so many I know are stuck in the murky mud known
as transition; because we don’t know what
to expect, insidious fear seeps into our cracks and fills them in, creating a
state of paralysis. It is not permanent but can mar our decision making.
I think we can utilize this state of shock though, rather
than being destroyed by it. If we can
survive change gracefully, we can reap its greatness. If we allow ourselves to
change instead of fighting or avoiding it, we could yield riches of magnificent
proportions. That’s the catch 22: change can be heartbreaking to experience,
but is often the only path to salvation. Let the buzzing hum of summer’s poolside
shouting shrieks, chirping birds and belligerent bullfrogs unify in harmony,
let yourself find your own vibration that matches its, and you will be free to
allow transition into your life. That takes practicing these next few tips over
and over until they have created their own neural pathways, firing happily
along in our subconscious, not needing any help from us. Let us grow new wings.
Reinvention awaits.
1) DON’T SETTLE
You can settle in almost any aspect of your life: a mate, an
apartment, a job; ostensibly, it’s settling for an unfulfilled life to ensure
that you at least have something to
hold on to. Amidst underpinnings of chaos, it is so very tempting to settle.
For example, as I get older and see friends get married and have children- a
life I know I want for myself- I think ‘why didn’t I just go for this guy that
really liked me?’ Even knowing it would inevitably never work, it could at
least dull the pain temporarily, and since everything is temporary anyways, why
not? This is a trap the brain sets for you; because the brain approaches everything
as a problem to be solved, we can often think whatever soothes our pain is
right for us. Oftentimes though, this can just mean we’re settling- not conquering.
When I was franticly looking for an apartment a couple years ago, I desperately
wanted to find one in a very particular location and almost settled for two
separate places. In one, the shower ceiling was so low I couldn’t even stand up
in it; the other was a tiny room about 300 sq. ft., but I seriously thought
about each of them because of the great location. Thankfully, I had a wise friend
who said to me: “Don’t settle.” I listened, and found the apartment of my
dreams shortly after.
2) “THIS TOO”
As you run your fingers up and down along the cold, smooth marble
corners of change, allowing it to guide you through darkness, you will inexorably
encounter new, scary monsters that make you uncomfortable and tear at the very
fragile fabric of your psyche. It is here that we often revert to
fight-or-flight mode. But neither denying
their existence nor attempting to abolish them is right action. (In Buddhism,
right action is defined: “The
practitioner should train oneself to be morally upright in one's activities,
not acting in ways that would be corrupt or bring harm to oneself or to others.” Instead, we must use radical acceptance to allow
for an expansive, fluid perspective on the world. When something you don’t like
happens, allow it in and say “this too.” This, too, is a part of your world and
existence and must be acknowledged before moving forward.
3) MINIMIZE OUTSIDE NOISE
In such digitized, compulsively connected times, we often
obsessively reach out and search for the answers to our problems. If we spend
just enough time googling this, or asking enough people that, we can find what
feels like the needle in the haystack. The truth is, the needle doesn't exist. So as we throw hay up in the air, desperately seeking an elusive “perfect
solution” or compass to help us traverse transitory lands, we are burying ourselves
in noise. In psychology this is known as “The paradox of choice,” coined by
psychologist Barry Schwartz and states: “Autonomy and Freedom of choice are
critical to our well-being, and choice is critical to freedom and autonomy.
Nonetheless, though modern Americans have more choice than any group of people
ever has before, and thus, presumably, more freedom and autonomy, we don't seem
to be benefiting from it psychologically.”
If you can create a web of advice that combines your own
inner guidance with the guidance from a few sources you emphatically trust, and/or
examples of people who are in a place you would like to get to, you will begin
to quiet a lot of those swarming voices that are simply fodder and that fail to
provide any guidance but rather renders you panicked and confused. Simplify
everything.
4) SHIFT YOUR ATTENTION
A very subtle way to move in a more positive direction in
the face of major change is to practice shifting your attention. This is
similar to telling someone to just “not think about” but takes it a step
further. By shifting your attention and keeping the mind occupied on a neutral
or positive object, you automatically cease to think about that which pains
you. You aren't avoiding a problem but rather actively choosing to allow it to
exist while not focusing on it for a while. Then, when you come back to it, its
power has often subsided allowing you to tackle whatever obstacle with a clearer
mind, and probably a better mood because you have just spent your time thinking
about a nice picture, or enjoying a dessert; reading a good book or taking a hot
bath. Daydream for a bit about something you want or feel good about, and then
try and tackle your problem or navigate a new direction in a better frame of
mind.
5) DON’T FORCE IT
One of the hardest parts about encountering a big change is
relinquishing control and allowing an authentic response to gradually form. When
you want things to work out a certain way, and you convince yourself this is
the “right way” and that you deserve it, and yet you are not rewarded with said
chosen outcome, frustration abounds. Whether
it is “right” or not, if you approach something or someone in a forceful
manner, you will cause a reaction of equal force. Instead of allowing what
should be to exist, you beat it to submission until it fits into the peg hole of
your liking. If you would just look for another hole, you would see it probably
fits very neatly in there, is just as good as the other hole, and even makes
you feel a sense of ease and relief. Nothing is worth having if it is achieved by
means of force. At the peak of the wave, you have to ride it out instead of
just jumping off because you don’t like where you’re currently at. You will
come down in time, so you might as well not risk your life just to get the
results that are coming anyways.
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