A Day in the Life

"All my life, I've lived and worked in the big city, which now that I think of it, is kind of a problem since I always feel uncomfortable around crowds. I mean it, I-I have this fear of enclosed spaces. I-I-I, everything makes me feel trapped all the time. You know, I always tell myself, there's gotta be something better out there, but maybe I think too much. And I've always had these, these abandonment issues, which plagued me. And my job, don't get me started on, 'cause it really annoys me. I was not cut out to be a worker, I'll tell you right now. I-I-I feel physically inadequate. It's this whole gung-ho super-organism thing that, that, that I - you know, I can't get, I try but I can't get it. What about me? I mean, I gotta believe there's someplace out there that's better than this! Otherwise, I will just curl up in a larval position and weep! The whole system makes me feel - insignificant!"

I get frustrated because I feel I can't adequately express myself through words alone sometimes. It feels like our language hasn't expanded enough to cover all the nuances and complexities found in the range of human emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Especially when you are trying to articulate your experiences with depression and anxiety to doctors, friends or family, or the internet- I feel like I fall short often. I end up sounding either too dark or not quite serious enough. Phrases shoot out of my mouth in confusing tourettes-like bursts and can become hour-long tangents where no one is quite sure what the fuck I have been saying.

I wanted to try a different approach in expressing what it feels like to be depressed or anxious. Here's what a day would feel like for me if my anxiety and depression were at their worst- in images.

Wake up:

Shit.

Getting out of bed to start the day feels like this:

Getting dressed/getting ready sux b/c when you feel like shit it's really hard to get it together and plus all your physical issues with yourself are amplified. Objectively I look like this:

But I swear I look in the mirror and see this:

Goddamn it hair!!!

Gettin' my mail. (Sigh.) Where are my cats?!!

Simple housework becomes a tedious nightmare. This is how it feels when I see I have to do dishes or vacuum a little:

Time to go to work? Great. When you are going through depression/anxiety your emotions are very black and white- not a lot of grey area. So for the next 6 hours I have to act like this on the outside...: