Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a really important tenet in life. You’ll never find peace if you hold on to things that make you angry or upset. But there is a difference between forgiveness and letting someone/something back into your life that isn’t good for you. Forgiveness, for me, is contingent upon moving on from something or someone. You can forgive because you are ready to let go.

I’ve been on both ends of forgiveness. A little over a year ago, I lost one of my best friends ever. We had a huge fight and ended our friendship ostensibly. A situation came up which required both of us to be together in an intimate setting. We talked a little before hand, and while it was kind of uncomfortable, I realized what was going on, that she forgave me, but didn’t need or want me in her life anymore. When it came to being around each other, we were civil, more than civil, we were able to even kick it and it wasn’t weird and it was actually quite nice. It was nice to let the anger subside on both sides and be happy for each other in our new lives.

We didn’t call each other after that and kick it and become friends again. We achieved closure and released the pain and anger from what had happened. But we couldn’t go back to how things used to be. That just wouldn’t be healthy for either one of us. It’s important to know when to let go.

I think when someone has hurt you deeply, you can forgive them but only in rare occasions can you trust them again. And often when you let someone back into your life like that, it can sometimes relinquish those feelings of anger and hurt. It brings back memories and reopens old wounds. I try to always believe the best of people, and I know that I have hurt people in the past so I try to give people second chances because I hope other people would do the same for me. But when something deep happens, I’m just not sure it works like that.

For me, it’s not healthy for me to be around people that have deeply hurt me and that I have a long history with.  Or even vice versa, it’s not healthy for me to be around people that I have deeply hurt. It brings me back to a place I never wanted to be at again. It sucks that it’s like that. I used to think that’s what forgiveness was, being able to let someone back into your life that has hurt you, or just getting over something and having things go back to normal. I thought that was how forgiveness works. I thought I was a bad person if I couldn’t do that, like I was leaving things unresolved. If I forgive someone, shouldn’t I be open to having them back in my life?

I guess I’ve realized forgiveness is about moving on. And you can’t move on if you’re haunted by your past.

Just some things I’ve been thinking about.