Often when you are at your lowest you feel surrounded by other people who have everything you want, or who are coming up while you are very down. It can feel very in your face and you wonder why everyone else is in such a good place when you aren't and it can truthfully be hard to be happy for others when you are suffering. I’ve recently had time to reflect on the past year of my life, literally one of the worst. I keep expecting things to slowly get better but somehow the pain keeps dragging and certain people keep hurting me, either through memories or real life actions.
After tragedy, I usually try to immediately dig my way out of my pain, because it is so massive I can’t handle feeling it. But by avoiding it, I never fully process what has happened, and it simmers inside, a latent displaced anger that often doesn’t reveal itself for years after its triggering cause has occurred. I’ve been through such pain and suffering this past year, but honestly that's one of the first times I've really even allowed myself to admit that, for fear of people seeing me as throwing a pity party, or victimizing myself. I have tried so hard to focus on positive things, starting a healing blog, getting in shape, taking a brand new job, so I didn’t have to feel any of the pain from my break up, or from a situation that I won’t speak about anymore due to ongoing issues- but I will say I was very deeply hurt by someone that I have known for a very long time. I was betrayed and violated and rendered ostensibly homeless. The pain I have experienced from my ex, who treated me like absolute shit after we broke up because he wouldn’t let me go, and instead loved me only conditionally, and made me believe for two months we were getting back together if I just became the right person and we never did..this pain is all real. It all really happened. Some of the worst possible outcomes occurred and I am just now allowing myself to comprehend that.
Often when bad things happen, I question myself. What did I do wrong? How did I put myself in this situation? I tend to try not to blame others and often internalize the tragedy due to low self-esteem.
After I got let go from my job a month ago, I have finally decided to process some of these feelings more authentically. And it is very, very painful. I have realized how angry I am. I am incredibly angry. I didn’t deserve anything that happened in the last year. I didn’t deserve to have someone else’s bullshit be projected on to me. I didn’t deserve to believe it was all my fault.
I finally let myself say “I DON’T forgive you.” At least, not right now. Because I don’t, and even through all the spiritual self-help ra ra shit will tell you to just forgive and let go, that can’t happen over night and it is unhealthy to try and pretend you forgive someone before you have even processed your own pain, because it invalidates your very real feelings. I’ve allowed myself to go to very real but scary places, where I say thing like “I fucking hate this person” and “there are actually evil people in the world that will never be good.” I’ve allowed myself to be depressed and lay in bed for days because the depression is so deep; normally I try anything to just not feel it and it just floats around in hidden cracks in my brain. I make fucking documentaries about mental health to not deal with my own poor mental heath.
Because I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be angry or sad. But maybe it’s time I fully allow myself to travel through Hell so I can actually heal this time. I don’t forgive those people for the things they have done to me the past year; not yet. I will eventually. But I can’t until I acknowledge the very real shitty things they have done, and the poor ways the have treated me, and I stand up for my broken, fragile self that is too afraid to, and say, “fuck you assholes. I will never fucking forgive you and I hope you feel as horrible as I feel.”
I know that feeling won’t last, but I am going to feel it. I am going to allow myself to only work part time right now because I need it. I need to process my pain before I can be happy, and before I can be happy for others. I'm not fully functioning right now, and that needs to be ok.
Is it where I want to be? Of course not. When a friend sends me a text message telling me how happy they are about how things are going with the new guy they are seeing, do I want my initial reaction to be like a punch to the gut? Of course not. I want to be the person who can be happy for my friends who undoubtedly have suffered just as much if not more than I have.
So I have just been very confused the past month, because I finally feel the pain and it sucks. I feel like I am reliving the bad shit of the past year in my brain now over and over, every day. I don’t feel like it will ever get better, and I don’t understand why these things happened. I can’t handle looking for the lesson right now because I haven’t even fully processed the pain.
So here it is. The past year has sucked. Getting dumped by the “so called love of my life” sucked. Having a major depressive episode, self-harming, and trying to reach out to him and other people who have been very important to me last month and being ignored by them sucked. Their love was never real. They never loved me; he never loved me. That sucks. Having people think I had the perfect relationship and reminding me of that sucks. I want to tell people to shut the fuck up when they mention pictures of us; how cute we are. I want to punch them in face but instead I smile.
And the ongoing shit with the person from my past that is still trying to destroy me, sucks. I have never encountered a pathological evil person like them. I might continue to get hurt by them and it sucks.
This isn’t meant to be a happy blog, it’s meant to be an honest one. After contemplating the painful idea that maybe there are just bad evil people in the world, when my belief system tells me otherwise- that there are no bad people, just bad behavior and actions; that we should forgive everyone to achieve inner peace- hanging with my nephew all day who is 14 and is able to talk about self-love at such a young age when I am 29 and still can’t even achieve that, constantly fearing I am a freak and will be alone and sad forever, well, quite frankly the last thing I want to see is other people being happy.
This comes from so many people basically telling me to just pull myself up by the bootstraps, get over the shitty things that have happened, and move on. Fuck those people!
This comes from so many people basically telling me to just pull myself up by the bootstraps, get over the shitty things that have happened, and move on. Fuck those people!
But then I watched this Amber Rose video, and I realized that I won’t be stuck here forever. And that everyone gets hurt, very very deeply, and that everyone is fragile, and that I can empower myself through this very action- speaking out and having the courage to say scary things that might scare people but also could resonate with people, is where I am at. And that at some point, I can be brave enough to forgive these people for everything because I value my life. I can be happy for my friend, because that’s what my higher self truly wants.
“I want to forgive Kanye for what he said about me. I want to let all that negativity go. I also forgive Wiz for what he said. Wiz actually apologized to me already, so I have forgiven him. I suggest that you guys do the same, and I’ll tell you why: because they’re ignorant at times. People are ignorant, and you have to be the bigger person, and be the positive person to forgive and move on and help other people around you that have been through the same thing.”
Just know this: it’s ok to not always be happy all the time for other people when you are hurting. It's ok to not be able to forgive people right off the bat. Allow yourself the time to feel your pain, but know that your power lies in NOT being like the people who have hurt you. Your power lies in trying your best to still be happy for others when you can, and be kind to yourself when you can’t. It’s ok to hate sometimes. Don’t hide it. Please speak up.
It’s ok to not be perfect. Have your own slutwalk and know that "one day your pain will be your strength."
Comments
Post a Comment