Arn't I A Woman?: This love candle isn't working....



Oct 3, 2013

This love candle isn't working....

I'm a free bitch baby 

When I lit this love candle my friend gave me, my intentions were certainly not to bring about a blast from my romantic past. Because fuck my romantic past! I’m not tryin to hear any of that noise anymore. The truth is I have been pretty insecure in all my relationships so none of them led to me being very happy.

I am attracted to narcissists. According to psychological studies, “highly sensitive people” (HSP) as we are known tend to be that way:

“HSPs can feel such intense love and compassion for people that we can believe our love can heal others. And often other people are so amazed and relieved by receiving this much love and understanding, they respond with enormous amounts of gratitude and often flattery. Sensitive people respond to this praise by feeling good about ourselves and feeling needed and so we give more. But as this pattern continues, we end up giving until we’ve got nothing left and getting nothing in return, under the mistaken belief that if we give just a little more, it will be enough. But it’s never enough.”

This explains why I have always been left feeling utterly vanquished at the end of all my romantic entanglements.

But I am grateful for every single one of them. Every guy that has ever rejected me, every guy who has ever broken my heart, abused me, taken advantage of me, every guy who has made me feel like I am crazy because I have feelings and who has subordinated me and left me for dead-

I am so grateful for every one of them because they have brought me to exactly where I am now. And right now I am immersed in a beautiful transformation of learning self-love and compassion and it is fucking freeing. There is nothing, no love, a guy could ever give you that even compares to how good it feels when you love yourself. It’s like listening to a Creed song versus listening to the dissension of angels traveling down from heaven and sweetly whispering the secret of life in your ear.

Reaching this point has been a liberating experience for me and I in no way hold any anger towards anyone in my past anymore- especially because I know that I have also hurt people, led people on, rejected people, abused people, broken hearts, and taken advantage of people along the way.

However life, in all its serendipitous splendor has awoken three previous paramours from my past and forced me to re-confront their ghosts (meaning I owe it to myself to explore my role in these relationships to learn to love better in the future, and not to ruminate on anyone else’s actions which I have no control over.)

I wanna move on but life is grabbing me by the shoulders, violently shaking me, and insisting I look closer as I continue to grow. I guess you can’t ever fully release your past from you; you just have to quietly carry it with you in your pocket, wherever you go.

One of these people I still confusingly gravitate towards-he is the ghost of the future. While I have moved beyond the juvenile pedestal I put him on when I was younger, an overwhelming attraction to him clouds my judgment. Our recent surprise encounter was unlike any other-friendly and warm where it used to be cold and calculated. In my heart he is everything I could want, but my head knows he is completely the wrong person for me. I think that’s what the future holds for me romantically. Ultimately every bad relationship I have been in has been my choice and if I continue to make choices that are based on fleeting attractions and archaic fairy tale stories that my young beating heart wants to believe, I probably will continue to not only fall for the wrong people but also not be a good partner myself. Relying on someone else to give you so much happiness cripples you both and I have to take responsibility for that in my relationships. I hope to utilize this knowledge moving forward; letting go of expectations and giving myself the freedom and confidence to know that I don’t need to be second-guessing myself all the time, and I certainly don’t need a dude to tell me I’m awesome. And maybe it won’t always make sense but when you love yourself first, it doesn’t have to. Things fall apart, but they always come back together.

The ghost of the present represents validation. I always felt bad around this guy because of how he treated me, so I searched for what was wrong with me. Sometimes when people treat you poorly you fall into the thinking trap that you deserve it. There was a point in my life where I truly thought that I deserved to be treated poorly and so that was reflected in all my relationships. But I didn’t deserve it. Pain is a warning that something is wrong and I owe it to myself to say just because someone is a dick to you does not mean you deserve it. Maybe they will come around at some point in the future and confirm their dickness, maybe not. The point is you have to watch out for self-fulfilling prophesies. This is the part where you decide to stop victimizing yourself and choose to dictate how people treat you. If you think you deserve to be treated poorly, people will treat you poorly. This is some subconscious shit people so we need to get it together when trying to push ourselves into a healthy direction that benefits the greater existing world and ourselves. Learning how to cultivate healthy attitudes and self-love in relationships benefits us all. That’s why I am deciding to produce literature on this fact. Even if it means exposing myself to a certain degree, I want to teach girls how to love where I didn’t know how.

The ghost of my past is pretty terrifying. I would like to get rid of it and pretend it never existed. It represents an old me that was tyrannically ruled by depression and anxiety, worthlessness and self-loathing the by-products of such that shaped my self-perception. As much as I wish I could just forget what this third person represents- his contacting me a) reminds me that old me still exists somewhere and b) showcases the fact that I am powerless to rid myself of my past. That’s something I have to come to terms with and with mindfulness I am able to allow my past to exist without existing in my past. Yes our pasts are often putrid and sticky and completely not representative of who we are now, but it happened and that will never change. Unconditional love for yourself means you are willing to just sit with that.

I have to be thankful for these experiences because they have allowed me to do a great deal of growth. I still make mistakes and struggle with my inadequacies, I still push people away because I am afraid of abandonment, I still cry sometimes because of what I have been through- but I’m ok with it all. And I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. Maybe this love candle is working after all.


No comments:

Post a Comment

Older Posts

Sojourner Truth

Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about?

That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman?

Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? [member of audience whispers, "intellect"] That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?

Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him.

If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them.

Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say.

Sojourner Truth

Delivered 1851 at the Women's Convention

Akron, Ohio