Arn't I A Woman?: A Day in the Life

Lisa

Lisa
This blog intends to be a safe public space; A communal cyber sanctuary from oppression. All are welcome here.

Jul 11, 2013

A Day in the Life



"All my life, I've lived and worked in the big city, which now that I think of it, is kind of a problem since I always feel uncomfortable around crowds. I mean it, I-I have this fear of enclosed spaces. I-I-I, everything makes me feel trapped all the time. You know, I always tell myself, there's gotta be something better out there, but maybe I think too much. And I've always had these, these abandonment issues, which plagued me. And my job, don't get me started on, 'cause it really annoys me. I was not cut out to be a worker, I'll tell you right now. I-I-I feel physically inadequate. It's this whole gung-ho super-organism thing that, that, that I - you know, I can't get, I try but I can't get it. What about me? I mean, I gotta believe there's someplace out there that's better than this! Otherwise, I will just curl up in a larval position and weep! The whole system makes me feel - insignificant!"

I get frustrated because I feel I can't adequately express myself through words alone sometimes. It feels like our language hasn't expanded enough to cover all the nuances and complexities found in the range of human emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Especially when you are trying to articulate your experiences with depression and anxiety to doctors, friends or family, or the internet- I feel like I fall short often. I end up sounding either too dark or not quite serious enough. Phrases shoot out of my mouth in confusing tourettes-like bursts and can become hour-long tangents where no one is quite sure what the fuck I have been saying. 

I wanted to try a different approach in expressing what it feels like to be depressed or anxious. Here's what a day would feel like for me if my anxiety and depression were at their worst- in images. 

Wake up: 
Shit.
 Getting out of bed to start the day feels like this: 



Getting dressed/getting ready sux b/c when you feel like shit it's really hard to get it together and plus all your physical issues with yourself are amplified. Objectively I look like this: 




But I swear I look in the mirror and see this: 

Goddamn it hair!!!
Gettin' my mail. (Sigh.) Where are my cats?!!


Simple housework becomes a tedious nightmare. This is how it feels when I see I have to do dishes or vacuum a little: 



Time to go to work? Great. When you are going through depression/anxiety your emotions are very black and white- not a lot of grey area. So for the next 6 hours I have to act like this on the outside...: 
HEY!!!!!!


...even though I feel like this. 


Off work! Made it!! Time to go to the grocery store. This is how I imagine a normal experience shopping would be: 

we're all normal here. just gettin some lettuce, nbd. 


So why does it look like THIS to me as soon as I walk inside?!

why.are.you.



STARING AT MEEE!!!


Oh my god I still have to get milk!


Driving home! Yey!
Yo-- did this dude just 

CUT 

ME 

OFF??? 


Time for a nervous break break



down..


 


Wow, today sucked. 

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Sojourner Truth

Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about?

That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman?

Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? [member of audience whispers, "intellect"] That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?

Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him.

If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them.

Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say.

Sojourner Truth

Delivered 1851 at the Women's Convention

Akron, Ohio