Mapping Progress, Freezing Brains, and Daniel Faraday

I know you’ve been down so long,

Cause I’ve been down too

Yes, I understand what you’re going through

Yes, I understand, cause I’m going through it too

One of the main points in starting this blog was to not only articulate and make sense of my world, but also to try and offer some advice to other people that might be going through similar things as I.

First and foremost, for anyone who is suffering from any type of depression or mental disorder, going to see a medical professional is paramount. Therapy and medication in conjunction make up the fundamental stepping-stone of recovery.

The greatest lesson I have had to learn though is that while helpful, these are not “cures”. I mean, have you ever interacted with me? I’m proof enough that you can be in therapy and on medication and still have visible characteristics of mental disorders. That’s been a big thing for me. Like, I’m trying! I really am! But my brain is fighting against me. That’s how it feels sometimes. Like in that X-files episode where a Dr. cryogenically freezes his brain and he is able to possess his twin brother’s conscious to kill a bunch of people. I wonder if I have a twin somewhere floating around in liquid nitrogen making me do stupid things. Maybe everybody does, and that’s where mental illness comes from. Solved it!

…When I feel stuck in a huge vacuum of nothingness, I try and remind myself of the progress I have made. This sort of made me think of some things that I have applied to my life that are good fallbacks to have when things aren’t going so well, or really, when they are.

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           1) Progress takes time, and you usually can’t see it until enough time has passed.

Right now I feel kinda shitty about my life, but I go back to who I was in high school, who I was in the beginning of college, and I remember that I used to be much more angry, emotional, and sensitive than I am now. (I know right?). But it’s true. I have slowly managed to rein these issues in to where they are mostly maintainable. So while right now I don’t feel like I’m kicking ass at life, I know that maybe I actually am kicking ass at life, because I’m putting in the time and effort to work on myself. And that will eventually pay off, and so I can’t discount the strides I’ve made just because right now things aren’t going well.

2) You’re going to fuck up, a lot.

Even when you do achieve some type of progress, however you define it for yourself, the world doesn’t turn into a magical fairy-tale land where little birds braid your hair in the morning and everyone is nice and happy and nothing ever goes wrong. Things are gonna go wrong, and if you’re like me, you’re gonna do things that even though you know are against your recovery, you do them anyways. This has been a major hurdle in my journey coping with depression. I feel like, when I mess up, I have to start all over again, like I revert back to the person I was before I ever went to therapy or consciously attempted to create a healthier life for myself. I know that’s not true logically but it’s something I still haven’t fully accepted. I’m getting there, but I have to remember to not freak out.

3)  Don’t freak out.

I freak out ALL the time. Like earlier, my boss called me and told me to “call her back ASAP.” And that fucking freaked me out! And the whole day I was like fuck I can’t think about anything else until this gets resolved. I’m in this perpetual state of needing things in my life to be resolved. And this kinda goes back to the second point, that things just don’t work like that. There’s always gonna be some sort of bullshit you have to deal with in some part of your life, so freaking out creates a lot of anxiety and stress and that’s unhealthy for you. I try to write down things that make me happy, that will make me happy no matter what. When you have a constant like that, it’s nice to know well, “hey I can smoke pot and play this Jay-Z song and write.” Having things you love and are passionate about in life and make you happy are good reminders not to freak out for me, because even if there’s bad stuff there’s good stuff too, and maybe I have to experience one to get the other.

4)  You deserve to have love and happiness as much as anyone else.

It’s easy to feel worthless in this world regardless of what you may be struggling with. Sometimes when things don’t happen for you like you think they’re gonna, you feel ashamed about yourself. And maybe couple that with some deep-rooted issues you have and it’s like man, I must not have this (love, a good job, happiness, etc etc) because I don’t deserve it. But inherently, all human beings deserve these things, and no one more or less than another.  

Maybe I can’t apply these all to my life right now because I’m just not there yet. And maybe you can’t either. But I know there’s gotta be something better for me, so I keep trying.

Most people want the same things in life, and from each other. It just all gets lost in interpretation, and assumptions, and miscommunication and a bunch of other variables. “People are the variables.” Daniel Farady. Lost. LOST.