Things have been super weird for me lately. I go into days/ sometimes weeks where everything is off, and I feel my whole world sort of fall apart in front of me, and it drives me into a deeper isolation disconnecting me from reality. I always pull myself out, somehow, but it seems each time I enter into this sort of self induced despair, it becomes harder to reattach myself back to my life. It makes me worry that one day I will dig myself so deep it will be impossible to come back to life.
A lot of this right now has to do with my relationships to people and how I perceive the world around me. When you have constructed the world in a certain way, and reinforced this as truth for 26 years, it becomes hard to break down those walls and let in reality. Sometimes, or most of the time, I base how I feel about myself on how I think other people view me, or how other people are treating me. This prohibits me from developing my personality and self-worth around who I really am, and instead I use fractured half-truths and false perceptions.
I do this because of base insecurities I have. I can't develop personal relationships freely because I use my past experiences to build on. In elementary school, my group of girlfriends and I were horrible to each other. We left people out, intentionally hurt each other, wrote nasty notes about each other, and were kind of generally bitches when we weren't being each other's best friends. Weird right? Not sure if anyone can relate to that. Since then, it's been really hard to trust each people. I almost develop my relationships with the belief that it will inevitably lead to being hurt. Sometimes that ends in me hurting someone else, as a weird subconscious pre emptive sort of move. Like, I know you are eventually going to hurt me so I am going to close myself off to you even though I am super sensitive and am just looking for love and stuff.
Sometimes I worry I will wake up one day and not have anyone around me anymore because of my neurotic tendencies. That's hard for other people to deal with, especially when they have invested their time, energy, and love into you. Then my awareness of my neuroses and how they affect the people around me leads to feelings of guilt and shame. And it just sort of unfolds from there.
So will I ever be capable of creating real, non-dysfunctional relationships with people? Hopefully, with a shit ton of therapy....
A lot of this right now has to do with my relationships to people and how I perceive the world around me. When you have constructed the world in a certain way, and reinforced this as truth for 26 years, it becomes hard to break down those walls and let in reality. Sometimes, or most of the time, I base how I feel about myself on how I think other people view me, or how other people are treating me. This prohibits me from developing my personality and self-worth around who I really am, and instead I use fractured half-truths and false perceptions.
I do this because of base insecurities I have. I can't develop personal relationships freely because I use my past experiences to build on. In elementary school, my group of girlfriends and I were horrible to each other. We left people out, intentionally hurt each other, wrote nasty notes about each other, and were kind of generally bitches when we weren't being each other's best friends. Weird right? Not sure if anyone can relate to that. Since then, it's been really hard to trust each people. I almost develop my relationships with the belief that it will inevitably lead to being hurt. Sometimes that ends in me hurting someone else, as a weird subconscious pre emptive sort of move. Like, I know you are eventually going to hurt me so I am going to close myself off to you even though I am super sensitive and am just looking for love and stuff.
Sometimes I worry I will wake up one day and not have anyone around me anymore because of my neurotic tendencies. That's hard for other people to deal with, especially when they have invested their time, energy, and love into you. Then my awareness of my neuroses and how they affect the people around me leads to feelings of guilt and shame. And it just sort of unfolds from there.
So will I ever be capable of creating real, non-dysfunctional relationships with people? Hopefully, with a shit ton of therapy....
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