Arn't I A Woman?: Establishing patterns of neuroses

Lisa

Lisa
This blog intends to be a safe public space; A communal cyber sanctuary from oppression. All are welcome here.

Feb 10, 2012

Establishing patterns of neuroses

Things have been super weird for me lately. I go into days/ sometimes weeks where everything is off, and I feel my whole world sort of fall apart in front of me, and it drives me into a deeper isolation disconnecting me from reality. I always pull myself out, somehow, but it seems each time I enter into this sort of self induced despair, it becomes harder to reattach myself back to my life. It makes me worry that one day I will dig myself so deep it will be impossible to come back to life.

A lot of this right now has to do with my relationships to people and how I perceive the world around me. When you have constructed the world in a certain way, and reinforced this as truth for 26 years, it becomes hard to break down those walls and let in reality. Sometimes, or most of the time, I base how I feel about myself on how I think other people view me, or how other people are treating me. This prohibits me from developing my personality and self-worth around who I really am, and instead I use fractured half-truths and false perceptions.

I do this because of base insecurities I have. I can't develop personal relationships freely because I use my past experiences to build on. In elementary school, my group of girlfriends and I were horrible to each other. We left people out, intentionally hurt each other, wrote nasty notes about each other, and were kind of generally bitches when we weren't being each other's best friends. Weird right? Not sure if anyone can relate to that. Since then, it's  been really hard to trust each people. I almost develop my relationships with the belief that it will inevitably lead to being hurt. Sometimes that ends in me hurting someone else, as a weird subconscious pre emptive sort of move. Like, I know you are eventually going to hurt me so I am going to close myself off to you even though I am super sensitive and am just looking for love and stuff.

Sometimes I worry I will wake up one day and not have anyone around me anymore because of my neurotic tendencies. That's hard for other people to deal with, especially when they have invested their time, energy, and love into you. Then my awareness of my neuroses and how they affect the people around me leads to feelings of guilt and shame. And it just sort of unfolds from there.

So will I ever be capable of creating real, non-dysfunctional relationships with people? Hopefully, with a shit ton of therapy....

No comments:

Post a Comment

Older Posts

Sojourner Truth

Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about?

That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman?

Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? [member of audience whispers, "intellect"] That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?

Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him.

If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them.

Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say.

Sojourner Truth

Delivered 1851 at the Women's Convention

Akron, Ohio